Private Message to Lucius

[alt_pansy]

I'm sorry that I made you angry the other day, Lucius. You asked me what I got out of my friendship with Sally-Anne and Ron that Draco wasn't providing, and I thought I was just explaining that to you as best as I could. I can see how it might have come off wrong, though.

I did tell you that I knew that I wasn't his top priority. I understand that he is best friends with Harry and not me. I also understand that he has several good reasons for not doing the things that I listed, and I don't blame him for it. And he very well might care for me a good deal. I just haven't seen it lately, is all.

I also wanted to ask about my improper conduct and bad behaviour that you mentioned. I've been working very hard since my first year to be on good behaviour, and other than the time where I hexed Patil last term, which I believe I have worked through and grown from, and the time where I went with Harry, Draco, and Ron into the forest which was hardly due to my choice in friends at all, I thought I was being fairly successful at conducting myself in an appropriate way that would make you happy. I've worked at my studies. I've participated actively in History club and YPL, and plan to do more. I've been respectful to my professors, and I've tried very hard to be respectful to you and Aunt Narcissa, and to my mother and Prospero. I worked myself into knots about it last term, and when I wrote you after I got my ulcer, I talked about how one of the reasons I got it was because I was so worried about pleasing you and trying to doing what you wanted. It's not something I take lightly at all, and I very much want you to know that.

I know that it can be frustrating to you that I don't immediately act on your advice about my friends, but I do listen. And I do take it into account when I think about my future. But other than not having friends you approve of, what have I done that is inappropriate or bad? I mean to say that I've been trying very hard, and it isn't working, I'd like to know how I can get better.

Comments

[alt_lucius]

I suppose I too may have seemed more short with you than I intended. We have not the advantage of face-to-face communication with its nuance or benefit of expression which may bring with it better understanding.

I do not mean to indicate that you have engaged in anything like the egregious mistakes of your first year. And it is true that you may perceive your associates provide you with a form of support you feel is lacking elsewhere. However, that does not change the fact that your reputation continues to suffer the longer you make yourself their champion. Sometimes I do believe that tying yourself to a Gryffindor so conspicuously has caused a bad influence; you are becoming more stubborn and strong-headed rather than learning better discretion and interpersonal political acumen. My point was that Draco withdrew his support so that you would feel the lack of it, of course. And from his perspective, it was a reasonable tactic, though perhaps he did not anticipate your resourcefulness - or your mulishness - in prioritising your new acquaintances over your oldest ones.

You ask what you have done wrong other than form undesirable attachments. Well, the harsh reality is that those ... friendships ... have tinged your interactions with others and particularly the public face you have presented, such as condemning those who pulled a bit of a prank against Weasley, but failing to condemn him just as publicly when your Weasley mocked Mr Marvolo's reaction to the Dementors. Given what you've told me of your own response to the Azkaban guards, I wonder that you could consider his actions at all defensible. You have obviously discovered that you can use your relative status to give weight to your statements, but consider what statements you choose to make and the messages you send when you choose not to speak as well as when you decide to say anything at all. This is one example, in recent enough memory that it comes to mind immediately.

Clearly I cannot comb through your past entries to discover more such instances but if you wish to heal the rift that has grown between you and Draco, then you must accept that it is not all one-sided.

In no way do I wish to cause you more distress, certainly not to bring about a relapse or exacerbation of your illness. I suppose the only advice I can offer in terms of your condition is that if you have 'worked yourself into knots' with worry over your actions, then it must be the case that you are pondering enterprises which you fear I might not approve. Yes? In which case the answer is comparatively simple, is it not? You have only to take the course that would meet with my favour. It is also worth remembering that such decisions, if taken, would undoubtedly restore Draco's faith in you as well.

[alt_pansy]

Thank you, Lucius.

And I will be careful about what I say and what I don't. I know you couldn't see it, but I did take Ron aside and tell him plainly that his behaviour was inappropriate, and why, and he knew I wasn't happy about it at all. And when someone hexed him for it later, I didn't protest, because it was something he clearly deserved and was fitting for what he pulled.

I just thought it the best way to show him he made a mistake and stop him from doing such things in the future, because he can get defensive and not listen when people call him out on something where everybody can read. But the fact I didn't let other people know that it wasn't on and I wasn't happy about it might make it seem like I was okay with it, so that's something I'll have to think on if it comes up again.