I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good: Private Message to Draco Malfoy

[alt_pansy]

It's been sort of mad lately, hasn't it? I'm still catching my breath, honestly.

Anyways.

This is bound to be difficult, and awkward, so I'm just going to say it, and if you'd rather not say anything back, I'd understand. You've every right to keep your thoughts to yourself.

I've been reading. And thinking quite a lot about several different things, and I've got no end of stuff crashing around in my head, so I'm sorry in advance if this is a bit abrupt, but I need to know about what you saw in Harry's memory. What you saw when you were looking at your father, and whether he

I don't know. Whether you could tell if he was in on the plan. To kill V Voldemort.

Bill Weasley was talking about how he was punished in Court. Badly. It hurt to read about, I can't imagine what it was like for you Anyways. It made me think that maybe he had some sort of

That he might've thought once for at least a minute that maybe he picked the wrong side. It sounds ridiculous to write down, but I think it would help me understand how two people who are so very different can be in the same body like that. The person that I see at St James and the person who

who does all those things that I can't just pretend he doesn't do any more.

I'm sorry. It's been a long few weeks of everything happening all at once, and I miss I figured I'd ask you before deciding whether I ought to see it for myself.

And. For what it's worth, I'm glad you said yes.

I think this sort of group needs someone like you.

Comments

[alt_draco]

Hey. Yeah, can't say it's been the most brilliant week of my life, but it's certainly been memorable.

I was going to say No, at first. I don't want to be anyone's minion, or whatever. But then Brutka said there would be no oaths or ceremonies, and when I told him I wasn't going to help anyone kill my parents or something mad like that, he said I wouldn't have to do that, either. So with that out of the way, I said Yes. I don't know what it says about me that at least half the reason I said yes was just because I knew it would make everyone massively uncomfortable...

Anyway, about Father. This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I'm 95% certain he wasn't in on the plan.

He doesn't take those kinds of risks, the kind that jeopardise the comfort and safety of his home and family. Unless, of course, you count the whole following the Lord Protector in the first place as just a wee bit of a risk. Then again I have my own theory about why he did that.

It's possible, I suppose, that he might have supported the impulse behind the plan. He looked well fucking stunned when the Lord Protector rose up out of that pot, and I doubt it was just a reaction to how ugly he looked. He's had enough practice keeping his face free of emotion by now, but he was practically reeling.

As for two people in the same body, isn't that where we're all headed? To some extent or another.

Were you really pretending not to know? Because I've always known that Father must tend to "difficult tasks." Maybe I never knew the details, or got taken along on the muggle-hunting parties, or had to listen to him rhapsodise about them the way that Aunt Bellatrix probably does, but I've always known. Nothing I've read about him in the Order's reports has much surprised me, it's only provided more texture and colour.

If you're ready to stop pretending, then maybe you should see the memory. Your call, though.

[alt_pansy]

What is your theory?

I've been talking with Sally-Anne about just that -- what we might need to do in order to learn what we need to learn, and take advantage of what we can, and how some of us might have to participate in those sorts of ceremonies in order to get close enough to do what Mr Selwyn did only make sure that it held.

And that's another reason I thought I ought to see it, I guess.

[alt_pansy]

And yes, to a certain extent, I was pretending. I didn't think he went to Ireland to pick shamrocks. But I figured

I thought he was questioning suspects. Torturing and killing the people who made the bombs.

I could understand that.

[alt_draco]

I don't think that council members get to pick and choose when it comes to "difficult tasks."

Theory - well, it's not much of one. Only I reckon that the Lord Protector must have promised him something really, really grand. Not jewels and manors and galleons, but something else. The Lord Protector came to him right after his own Father died, you know, and he always spoke about it like he - the Lord Protector, I mean - sort of came forth as a surrogate father just when he needed one. I know it's hard to imagine, the Lord Protector being fatherly, but he was different back then, I guess. He used to know how to be charming. Just ask Hydra about that.

Even though it's never been a topic of conversation, per se, somehow I've always known that Father's terrified of dying young like his own father did. Or of being hurt or ill to the point where he can't use his magic. A few years ago I started to wonder if aligning himself with the Lord Protector just made him feel safer about those things, you know?

But now that we know the Lord Protector can come back to life, I'm going through all sorts of new possibilities.

[alt_pansy]

No.

And I don't guess that a hundred Muggles makes much of a dent in a council member's conscience. Or a thousand. Or several thousand.

It's just a bit overwhelming from the outside looking in. Even if he was just following orders.

And I suppose it's rather funny, in a completely not-funny way, to think about how all this might be based on not wanting to die, knowing that some of us have got suicide rings and Harry'd gladly sacrifice himself to put an end to it. I think he's counting on it, actually.

[alt_pansy]

Not that I want to die, mind.

[alt_draco]

Yeah, me either. And I'd prefer you didn't. Nor Harry, nor anyone else.

[alt_pansy]

Agreed.

For all their faults, it is a bit comforting how many of the Order members have managed to stay alive for as long as they have.

[alt_draco]

Yeah, but when's the last time they actually faced off against anyone like Dolohov or Crouch? They've crossed wands a few times, but seem to avoid it overall, if they can.

Not that I don't want to avoid it, for now - but not forever. And definitely not when it comes to Crouch.

[alt_pansy]

Point.

And when that time comes, you'll be ready for him. I know you will be.