alt_pansy | I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good: Private Message to Justin

Did you plant the bag?

Are you safe?

Between Terry and Sally-Anne's measles case, I feel like I haven't slept properly in days.

It's hard to pretend sometimes, isn't it? To put on a happy face when you're worried about someone, and the people around you wouldn't understand why you're worried even if they knew what it was about?

I've just had a talk with Harry. He knows I write Sirius, now. It used to be all he knew was that I once nicked a bunch of his records, but Sirius wrote him or something and told him that I wrote him too, and that we should talk. I guess. I don't know. I suppose I'll find out.

I'll tell everyone else under the lock about it, of course, and maybe Hermione has an idea what he's going to ask about, so that's one thing. But I'm sort of scared about it, because I don't like it when secrets that I've kept very carefully get out, so that's another. I didn't even tell Sally-Anne I was writing him when I first started. I didn't tell her until we had to tell something to get under the lock. And even now I don't tell every time I write, or what I write either. It's sort of

Well, it's private.

So there's that too.

But I had to tell Harry right out not to tell Draco.

I hate it, but if he knew I was writing, he'd ask what about, and I'm not sure what he'd think of me if I told him. And that scares me. And makes me sad.

It's really hard to lie to someone you love.

It's really hard to know that they don't really understand you. And that if they did, they might not love you any more.

It seems like such a small thing compared to what everyone else has been going through. Doesn't it?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

alt_justin

Hullo, Pansy.

Er. Yes. Quite.

I'm sure Sirius didn't mean to breach your privacy, what? There must have been a jolly good reason for him to tell Marvolo that you've corresponded.

And yes, it can be quite difficult to keep one's own counsel about important things when they're not on the same order as other people's challenges. Quite.

I suppose it's a comfort to know that if one's perspective can be so easily altered, then one's problems can't seem so...well, so all-encompassing as all that, can they?

But as for understanding, I say, I suppose I think that.... Well, I mean to say, there are reasons to hide oneself for one's own protection and reasons to lie to protect others. But the thing is, Pansy: Are you unsure that he'll cease to care because of who you are, or because of who he is? Because if it's you, then--well, then he probably never understood you in the first place, what? And if it's him--then he jolly well doesn't deserve you, if you'll allow me to say so. But either way, I think, knowing is better than not knowing.

But there's a difference between revealing your own secrets and revealing other people's. I should think one would want to reveal one's own secret in the best way possible, before someone else beats one to it, what?

I mean to say, that's the way it is in stories, all the time. The hero says, 'There's something vitally important I have to tell you about myself,' what, and the heroine interrupts or doesn't listen or something gets in the way, doesn't it? And then she learns the very thing he was trying to tell her but in some bally awful context, all twisted round or well misrepresented, what, and then it takes the rest of the story for everything to work out to a happy ending.

It might be frightening to take the risk but I think it's better to pull off the sticking plaster and know exactly where one stands.

-Justin

From:

alt_pansy

But that's the problem, isn't it? I'm not sure of either. And both scare me.

He's a good person.

He is.

He tells me sometimes how worried he can get about Harry, and even though he doesn't say it often, I know he worries about Hermione too. And he's said how frustrated he is about the way things are going. And I see someone who wants to do the right thing.

I just think we might have very different ideas about what that right thing is. And I'm too much of a coward to ask him, for fear that it'll ruin everything.

And really, given all the other things I've done, the fact that I've been writing to Sirius is the least of the things I've had to keep hidden, because it wouldn't be safe at all for anyone else to know that wasn't under the lock. For Terry and Hermione and you especially. So you're right about that.

I'm not looking for a solution.

I'm not sure there are any.

I just thought

given you and Hydra

you'd understand a bit. I guess. About keeping things from people like that.

And how awful it can get sometimes. To question everything. Including whether they really love you or just who they think you are, and whether you really can love them if you're keeping so much of who you are from them.

From:

alt_justin

Are you saying that Draco knows about Sirius as well?

He's not told anyone about it, then, if he does, what?

I suppose that's an encouraging sign. I think you're right, though, that he has a different idea about what the right thing would be.

I don't think he'd take kindly to me and Hydra, for example, if he knew the whole of it. Or to what you've done for Terry, even if he thinks of Hermione as a person in her own right. Well, perhaps Terry, since I think everyone can jolly well agree that Carrow's a monster, what?

I suppose that's the thing, though: If you're keeping so much from someone, how can it be genuine? And if he's not the sort who can see beyond the Protectorate's lies....

Well.

I mean to say, it's your decision, of course. What you think you can live with hiding and what you think he could or couldn't accept.

-Justin

From:

alt_pansy

This isn't really making me feel much better, you know.

He knows all about Harry talking with Sirius. He's told me about that. When it comes to me, all he knows is about the books Sirius sent from Regulus. He doesn't even know about the records.

Would you tell Hydra? Not about Terry and Hermione, you know.

But about who you are?

And what you think?

From:

alt_justin

I say, dashed sorry, old girl but you did ask.

Hydra knows what I think. So it's not entirely the same question.

And I'm planning to tell her the rest, actually. Wednesday, if we can find a safe, private spot, what?

-Justin

From:

alt_pansy

What?

Isn't that

Isn't that terribly dangerous? For you?

You really ought to tell the lock about it.

From:

alt_justin

It would have been, before. But by Wednesday I shall know for sure whether it's all right.

I think the lock has had other, more important things to be going on with, what?

Though Terry seems on the mend. Somewhat. And Sally-Anne? Her emergency is passing, as well, I think.

So, perhaps. As you said, it's a small matter compared to everyone else's troubles.

-Justin

From:

alt_pansy

Risking your life isn't a small matter, Justin.

You really ought to tell.

From:

alt_justin

I do beg your pardon, Pansy, but I really think it's better if I don't just yet.

I've held off, as I said, to make sure of some open questions. The first was my duty to Terry, which I've now discharged. I wanted to be absolutely certain nothing interfered with that.

The second is something Hydra's testing. We talked about it yesterday, she and I, but if everything goes as I think it shall, we'll know by Wednesday whether she can truly keep her mother's legilimency at bay. If she can, then I'm telling her and that's an end of it.

And on the off chance that she should reject me--well, I mean to say. I don't think she's the sort who could knowingly send me up, what, but I shouldn't want the lock involved at all, in that case.

As I said, it's all a matter of what one can live with keeping hidden from the ones we love.

-Justin

From:

alt_pansy

So, you're just planning on telling her without letting the other people under the lock know?

That's not on, Justin.

I don't care if you've made your mind up, but everyone else deserves to know what you're planning. We could help. This test you've got planned, we can help sort out if it's enough. And if you do end up in danger, it'd be good to know of it ahead of time so we could help with that too.

And if she sends you up, we ARE involved.

If there's any sort of questioning at all, and there would be, it'd come around to us.

I know you love her. But I don't see how that has to do with keeping us all in the dark about it. That's a completely separate thing. And by risking you, you're risking all of us. You've got to know that.

At least tell them what you're planning.

From:

alt_justin

~~It's private~~

~~I shouldn't have~~

Well.

I shall have to think about it.

I do plan to tell everyone. I'd eventually like to see if we can't let Hydra onto the lock, herself. It just seemed...better...to make sure of her first and then make the case to include her.

I'm sure she'll not give me up, even if she does decide she'll have nothing more to do with me. And she's certain that her mother can't read her thoughts. This last test is just for good measure.

I suppose...it's rather like telling all one's friends, 'Oh, what ho, I'm going to ask Jane to marry me, wish me luck!' and then having to go back and report that she said 'No', what?

If I said nothing then I could just...say nothing, if necessary. If I say something ahead of time then--and besides that, I say, it's dreadfully selfish to demand everyone's attention over something really rather trifling. ~~Like staying~~

Dash it. I've got to go. They're rounding us all up for tea.

I promise I shall think about it.

-Justin

From:

alt_pansy

But if you're planning on telling her, no matter what she says, we still ought to know first.

Especially if she's going to eventually be under the lock.

It's more like saying, "I'm going to duel somebody, and I might end up dead, even though there's a good chance I won't, and I've done all these things to make sure it's safe."

Because you're telling her either way, so either way it's a risk, isn't it? It's even MORE important we all know beforehand in case something goes wrong. You're thinking of telling us after everything goes right. I'm saying if it doesn't, it's far better we know before rather than after.

And you might think the test is good enough, but there are other people on this who might know more than either of you.

I know you want it to be private, but this is your life, Justin. And our safety. Privacy isn't more important than those things.

If I was going to tell Draco something that I knew would get me sent to Azkaban, I'd tell everyone first.

Well, I wouldn't tell him. Not right now. But if it got to that point, I'd bloody well do everyone the courtesy of letting them know that I was putting me and everyone else in danger first. Because if one of us gets in trouble, it could get Hermione and Terry in trouble too.

From:

alt_pansy

He can tell they're lying.

I think most everyone can.

But I know he can.

We just don't talk about it.

No-one talks about it. Except under the lock.