Hah!

[alt_pansy]

Apon a time (once) there was a girl with apple cheeks and an affable (did I use it right?) air who liked ambling around the park and angling for fish, even though she hated eating them, because fish are slimy and gross. She was awfully sweet, and was always generous.

Then her parents died, because that sort of thing happens all the time in fairy stories. So she was all alone.

Awwww.

Comments

[alt_sally_anne]

Beatrice was her name and she was beautiful (in addition to her bouyant personality) although she wore her hair in a bouffant hairdo which was a little bizarre.

Finding herself bereft, she set out to seek her fortune in Brighton.

[alt_pansy]

Cash was running fairly low in the city, which was a pity, and she was confused by currency to begin with, and she was feeling rather contrary due to her long walk. So she sat on the street corner and cried and cried.

Then, a carriage pulled up and a cute lady with curly hair leaned out and smiled.

(a bouffant! Hah!)

[alt_sally_anne]

'Dear,' said the darling dame, 'do tell me why you are so distressed.'

'Drat,' said Beatrice. 'I am so dreadfully tired.'

[alt_pansy]

'Egads!' Said the lady, whose name was Lady Esther, Esquire. 'Are you at all in the mood to eat? I am an epicure, and am just going to enjoy an enormous meal.' She then winked expressively.

[alt_sally_anne]

'FABULOUS!' said Beatrice, no longer feeling forlorn. 'I would absolutely fancy a fine feast! Fill me up!' She followed Esther to Esther's home, where she met Esther's frail father, Francis.

'Follow me,' Francis said as Esther flitted off.

[alt_pansy]

Glorious, glorious food was waiting for them. Beatrice ate with gusto. There was gator from America, lightly battered and fried, and greens, and grouper, and gefilte (which tasted awful) and a great big pudding.

Francis and Esther heaped generous portions on Beatrice's plate, while Francis complained about his gout and Esther looked glamourous.

[alt_sally_anne]

What the heck is gator? Oh, never mind, you can tell me later, back in a minute with the next installment.

[alt_pansy]

It's short for alligator!

[alt_sally_anne]

People actually EAT alligators?

What do they taste like?

[alt_pansy]

Dad went to America after he was done with school, and he had all sorts of weird things to eat while he was there, and that was one. He said it tasted part chicken part fish.

[alt_sally_anne]

Your Dad went to America? How did you never tell me about this?

Do you have any pictures from his trip?

[alt_pansy]

It was only for a few weeks. He went all over the place for a whole year, China, and India, and Africa too. When he was in America, he went to Louisiana and out west and things to meet with some Potioneers he'd been writing. They were doing really nift things with alternative ingredients. Some of their letters were in that box of dad's stuff that I got this summer.

[alt_sally_anne]

That sounds utterly nift.

I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good

[alt_sally_anne]

My mum got a fellowship after she took her NEWTs to do advanced study at some wizarding school in Switzerland. Anyway, she was going to do it but then she got pregnant with me.

The funny thing is if she HAD done it they'd have been out of the country when everything happened.

[alt_sally_anne]

Wait, gefilte? How do you even pronounce that?

I think you're making these foods up.

[alt_pansy]

I found it in the dictionary!

Hang on, let me look it up again. It's pickled fish or something. It sounded utterly foul.

[alt_sally_anne]

Ew.

There are things that are good pickled but fish is sort of nasty already.

[alt_sally_anne]

'Have you explored our handsome home?' Francis asked as they handed her haricots verts and hasty pudding.

'How could I?' Beatrice said. 'However, I would be happy for the opportunity.'

They hopped up from the table and half-skipped to the hallway howling 'HURRAY!' Then hundreds of house-elves hollered 'he's here!' and hared off.

[alt_pansy]

'I have no idea what they are implying,' Francis said, shaking his head, while Esther implored the house-elves to explain.

One, named Impy, stopped and turned around.

'I is scared, Miss! The Evil Ivan is coming in!"

[alt_sally_anne]

'Joking! They're joking!' Esther said jocularly with a joyful gesture. 'Back to your jobs!' she said jubilantly to the elves.

But the door suddenly burst off its joists and a jaguar jumped in, jabbing its claws at Francis's jugular!

[alt_pansy]

'Kill them all!'

A dark figure stood in the doorway, wearing a kilt.

Esther sat on the floor next to her father, kicking her feet in despair.

Beatrice, having massively more sense, drew her wand from her bouffant. 'Avada Kedavera!' she cried, killing the jaguar. She then pointed the wand at Ivan, who growled.

'Why are you attacking these kind people?' Beatrice demanded.

[alt_pansy]

K is harder than I thought it'd be.

[alt_sally_anne]

'Leave us!' Ivan's low voice lashed out at Esther and Francis. 'Laugh all you like!' he said to Beatrice. 'But you know full well that I long for you! I need your levering presence to lift the loneliness that loads my lengthy days! Live with me, and I will let these lovely losers live in peace! Lose me, and my lion will lick their livers!'

Beatrice leaned away from him with loathing.

[alt_pansy]

Lick their livers!

Hah!

[alt_pansy]

Beatrice took another look at the malevolent man.

'Marvin?' she muttered. 'Marvin? Is that you?' Marvin was her childhood friend, and she hadn't seen him for many a moon, ever since he'd moved away to Manchester.

He opened his mouth a few times.

'Yeah,' he said, after a little.

'Why did you change your name to Ivan?'

'Seemed more menacing,' he replied. 'Oh Beatrice, I'm mad for you!' he moonily moaned. 'Marry me!'

[alt_sally_anne]

'No,' said Beatrice. 'Never! After your nasty behavior, I'd rather have nits than a negative nosehair like you!'

Now she noticed a new note on a nail. 'NARCOPENTA,' it said, followed by, '(non-verbal)' so she pointed her wand and thought NARCOPENTA and instantly Ivan/Marvin took a nice nap.

[alt_pansy]

'Oh dear,' said Esther. 'I don't think I like your friends very much. But at least Father is okay!' Francis opened his eyes and coughed.

'Sorry about that,' said Beatrice. 'Marvin was always a bit odd.'

Esther tied up Martivan and used her wand to lift him in the air. His head knocked against a light fixture. 'Ooops,' she giggled. 'I really am opposed to all violence,' she said in an opinionated sort of way as she made him hit his head against the stair post. 'We'll just toss him in the cellar and let him think about his misdeeds.'

[alt_sally_anne]

Politely, Beatrice protested that perhaps permanent petrification would be preferable as a punishment. Martivan would make a pleasant statue, perhaps with his arms placed so as to be useful as a place to put coats and umbrellas during parties with many participants.

[alt_sally_anne]

Oooh, it just occurred to me he ought to have piles, as well. Oh well.

[alt_pansy]

'Quite right!' Francis replied. Ether querulously questioned whether they could place a few quilts on top of his head as well, and when Francis agreed, she quickly agreed, quit bumping him against things, and put him in the hall.

So they had a nice new hatrack out of the whole thing, and a jaguar-skin rug, which wasn't really half-bad.

[alt_pansy]

I said agreed twice. Oh well.

You really are far better at this than I am!

[alt_sally_anne]

Really, this could be the end of the story right here: Beatrice rid of her rash, revengeful romantic stalker and Francis and Esther re-supplied with rugs and racks.

Regardless, however, there remain a few small loose threads, enough (really?) to reach some later letter. Romantically, Beatrice still needs a proper romantic reality, and Esther might find one relaxing, as well.

[alt_pansy]

So with that in mind, Esther and Francis kindly set Beatrice up with a suitor -- Esther's brother, Simon, who was simply dashing and looked quite sharp in a suit. He was head of sales in a store at Shropshire, and as soon as they wrote him and told him how simply sweet Beatrice was, he swept onto his broom and scurried swiftly down to see his sister and father and their new guest.

Upon seeing Simon, Beatrice fell into a swoon at his sheer handsome manliness. He was also quite overcome by her bouffant and her swift thinking that saved his father from the savage jaguar.

'Slytherin's scarf!' he exclaimed. 'Sweet Beatrice, let's elope!'

[alt_sally_anne]

'Take me, Simon!' Beatrice told him. 'Take me now, take me to -- to -- the Tower of London! We'll have the ghosts perform our ceremony!'

So they toddled off to the Tower to tie the knot. Typically, the Tower had tons of tourists, so they tried telling them they could take a tap of butterbeer if only they'd take themselves to some other spot for a short time.

[alt_pansy]

Until the tourists left, Beatrice and Simon entertained eachother by talking about their childhoods and hobbies.

Simon enjoyed unicycling and collecting oddly-coloured umbrellas, and Beatrice's favourite toy as a child was a stuffed unicorn. Finally, they could go up to the top of the tower and the ghostly Uncle of the King married them (as he used to be a ship's captain, and they can do those sorts of things). Beatrice swooned again, and Simon cried buckets.

'Oh, Simon, I never thought I could ever be this happy!' Beatrice sighed, patting his arm lovingly as they left the tower and walked under a bridge.

[alt_pansy]

Hah! You have X!

[alt_sally_anne]

You confused me and I started writing an X one and then realised oh WAIT right NOW I have V.

[alt_sally_anne]

Very, very happy, they were, verily. Violins played sweet music in the background and they drank a viscous cocktail of some horrid grownup drinks and danced with verve as they sniffed at violets and and wondered to themselves, is there a verb that begins with V?

[alt_pansy]

Windy weather interrupted their wanderings, so they went into a restaurant where the waiter whipped up some watercress soup to warm them up.

They walked slowly home, arm in arm, but as they approached the door, Esther and Francis came running out. 'Ivan... I mean Martin... he's escaped!' Esther whimpered, as Francis wheezed. 'He just woke up and ran out the door! My wandwork must have been off.'

'Oh, Esther,' Beatrice replied, worried. 'I wish I'd killed him too. Now we'll never have a moment's rest!'

[alt_sally_anne]

Wait, you're having Marvivan escape? We've only got three letters left to wrap up the story!

[alt_pansy]

It can end on a cliffhanger!

[alt_sally_anne]

'X' marked the spot where they found the man once known as Martin, now as Ivan, howling with xenophobic glee as he drew giant X's on the property of a recent immigrant.

'XERISCAPE!' Ivan screamed maniacally. Don't ask me why he was screaming about desert landscaping. He was mad, mad with a capital X. XMAD.

'XAVADA XEDAVRA!' shouted Simon bravely, which is kind of like the killing curse but easier to aim and not 100% effective, in this fairy tale. 'You should have moved to Xinjiang, you evildoer!'

'I know!' Beatrice cried as the XX curse bounced harmlessly off Ivan's protection shield. 'I know how to defeat him! ACCIO XYLOPHONE!'

[alt_pansy]

'Yes!' yelled Simon. 'Wait, how will a xylophone help?'

'Youthful trauma!' Beatrice replied. 'His mother made him study it for years!'

She banged on the xylophone, and Martivan turned around, eyes blazing. 'Yonks!' he cried out. 'That hateful sound! Why are you torturing me so, my beloved Beatrice!'

'Yikes!' Beatrice yelped. 'I am so not your beloved! I'm married to Simon! And you're mad!'

Martivan burst into tears. 'All I ever wanted was to be loved!' he sobbed, his young face twisted in his grief. 'That and a yeti...'

[alt_sally_anne]

'Zoo!' Beatrice shouted. 'Go to the zoo, Martivan! They have yetis! Also zebras! And all sorts of other fascinating beasts!'

Martivan started to move toward the zoo but looked back hesitantly.

'I'll give you ziti!' Simon offered. 'And zinfandel wine! if only you'll go to the zoo!'

So Martivan went to the zoo where he drank zinfandel wine until he zonked out and was carried off by a zephyr to the Zone of Zealotry and was never seen or heard from again!

Beatrice and Simon lived happily ever after! THE END.

[alt_sally_anne]

That was fun! Let's go get lunch!

[alt_pansy]

Oooh! Lets!

And we can have EVEN MORE SUGAR for pudding!

Whee!

[alt_ron]

You're both mental, you know.

Absolute nutters.

[alt_luna]

My parents are dead. But I don't think anyone would say I have apple cheeks and I rather like fish.